Flash fiction: How To Demoralize Your ER Doctor in Ten Easy Steps

1. What you read online is true: if you say you have chest pain, someone in the ER will usher you right in for an ECG. So make sure to say your chest hurts! Bonus: use the words “pressure” and “crushing” to describe this pain.
2. After you’re through the door, sneak away to get a Coke from one of the bending machines.
3. Do not, under any circumstances, cooperate with the tech trying to get you that ECG for your chest pain.
4. Inhale some of that Coke while telling your doctor your chest pain has passed, and now your stomach hurts.
5. Say your pain is 100/10 as you play with your phone. We all understand nothing on this Earth could be worse than not knowing what all your Facebook friends are posting at all times.
6. If your doctor abruptly walks away from you while you mumble something about the runs, it wasn’t because the patient on the bed next to you started seizing. Threaten to sue her when she remembers to get back to you.
7. By this point, it should be clear that no one’s offering you anything for your pain. You need to take some initiative. Tell everyone you’re allergic to morphine, Advil, Tylenol, Tramadol, aspirin, and ibuprofen, but your doctor gave you some drug you don’t remember . . . the one that starts with a ‘D’, and it works just fine. Dilutid? Delucid? It goes in the vein.
8. Dilaudid! It was Dilaudid. Gosh, you’re so glad you managed to remember the name!
9. Throw your soda at the doctor when she refuses to give you some Dilaudid. Even if she dodges, which she probably will unless you’re at the tail end of her shift, you’ll still be sending a message.
10. Be calm and collected by the time the police arrives to relieve the orderlies you’ve been verbally abusing for the last ten minutes. 

(I'm doing shifts in the ER this month.)