So my 3DS XL had a bit of a freezing issue, and I had what can only be called a non-epileptic seizure

I had my old 3DS XL for about for years, and last week it started randomly freezing. Maybe because I've been playing Fire Emblem: Fates like it's 2004, whereas I used to play half an hour or so before this game came out. Today, I threw caution to the wind and decided to get a new DS.

It was an adventure, to say the least. And by "adventure", I mean a stream of unintelligible profanities.

First of all, there's a new 3DS XL that's cleverly called . . . well, here's the logo:

A focus group approved this

I can only assume this exists because the 3DS prints money for Nintendo. It looks sleeker, as if that matters, and it has the cartridge slot in a different place than the "old" 3DS. And some amiibo stuff I don't care about in the slightest. Originally, I bought this thing first because the Gamestop lady assured me, multiple times, that it took the same memory card as the "old" 3DS.

Spoiler alert: not it doesn't. The "old" 3DS takes an SHDS card while the "new" 3DS takes a micro SHDS card. You can tell it's more advanced because it has the word it's micro, and the future is about slimness.

Oh, and you have to unscrew the back of the "new" 3DS to put in a new memory card. I'm a hundred percent serious. This is something that Nintendo's engineers, as in more than one engineer, thought was a good idea. And the game testers were like "great idea, Ken! I can't believe we didn't think of this before!"

So I go back to the Gamestop lady, intending to get my old, possibly defective 3DS back. I can't because the Gamestop computer sets the price of any returned item at $9,999.99 until it's returned to the its factories for refractoring, or whatever it is they do to used system. I have no idea. I think I just made up that word.

But good news! I can get a used "old" 3DS XL which will accept my memory card, and now I'll have extra store credit to buy more 3DS games. I don't understand why they didn't just say that before, but okay. My fault for not researching the evolution of the DS. My fault. I get a new "old" 3DS XL.

And it doesn't matter! The DLC of my old "old" DS wasn't saved on my memory card. It was saved . . . on the DS itself? And I murdered the content once I reset my old "old" 3DS to its factory settings. Which is making my head explode.

In no particular order, I've lost:

1. Fire Emblem: Awakening
2. Bravely Default
3. Conquest path of Fire Emblem: Fates
4. Fates' DLC bundle
5. Person Q: Shadow of the Labyrinth
6. An amount of money I'm not comfortable disclosing
7. The cool red 3DS I used to have
8. My trust in the free market and capitalism 

This doctor money I'm getting starting July better be good.