The Wheels on the Bus, but worse somehow

Pharell Williams "Happy" is the worst. Yes, this one:

I took a long drive today, and it went south even before my phone started bleeting this song (I assume I liked it at some point, because someone must have downloaded). First, I miss one lousy turn and, instead of following my instincts and doubling back, I let google maps sort out how to get back on track. I figure google is the closest thing we have to God. 

Somehow, it took me through four different tolls, all within fifteen minutes, before getting me back on a highway that would have cost me one toll, if I hadn't missed the one right turn. 

I would say lesson learned, but it's only a matter of time before I find myself behind the wheel of a car, and too lazy to think for myself.

Anyway, I'm driving around between trucks with my phone's brightness set to the lowest point because I lost my phone charger like two months ago, and I don't want to run out of charge out in the highway. My phone is my GPS (how did humans function before phones came with GPS?). When my phone is on lowest brightness setting, I can't see anything but a black screen when I'm outside.

So. I'm driving in the highway, with trucks on all sides. "Happy" comes along, a seven minute or so version that I must have liberated from the internet at some point. Normally, I'd let Pharell Williams do the chorus once or twice, them switch to something else. 

But this time, I can't. 

See, I'm not in-tuned with my phone that I could feel around for the next symbol on the touch screen without taking my eyes off the road for at least thirty seconds. I'm tempted, but I've done enough shifts at the trauma bay to know what truck accidents look like. 

I'm far from a music critic, but this ordeal has thought me an important thing about "Happy". It has no ending. See, songs tend to have an arch that lets the listener know that the end is coming (it probably has a fancy, technical name). There's a change in rhythm, speed, a slight variation in the chorus, or at least the . . . not-chorus part of the lyrics to let the listener know that the end is nigh.

Not "Happy". Pharell just repeats the same few lyrics over and over again, and the music doesn't speed up in a noticeable way, so if you start waiting for it to be over, you begin to feel as if time has stopped. You've always been behind this one truck. The road has always looked exactly like this. You've never seen a sunny sky. And Pharell has always been and will always be asking you to clap along (I think that's what he says).

I almost threw my phone out the window.